Every year of my childhood, in the early morning hours of July 27th, my mother would tiptoe into my room to hang a hand-made sign. Taped to the wall so that it was the first thing I saw when I woke, it read in bubbled, individually decorated letters, Happy Birthday, Sara! The big day culminated in a dinner of my choosing, kicked off with a birthday prayer in which each person present thanked God for the things they loved about me. My brothers noted something nice couched within a joke (thank you for Sara’s back rub skills.); my sister remained heartfelt, (thank you that Sara is my best friend); and my dad was direct and kind (thank you for Sara’s joyful heart). Then came my mom's turn. Even before she began, we would take a collective breath, settling in for the long haul. This woman can pray with the endurance and earnestness of an ultra-marathoner. And the prayers themselves! Heartfelt. Articulate. Intimate. The tone of her voice so tender that I felt like I was eavesdropping on a conversation not meant for my ears. And yet it was about me that she was speaking!
I enjoyed the attention and the encouragement, but like many rituals from childhood, I accepted it casually, like one might the warmth of the sun. It’s nice. It feels good. But it just is, always there, or close by.
In Sharon Salzberg’s new book, Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection, she writes, “Our minds are wired to create order, and our stories are our anchors. They tell us who we are, what matters most, what we’re capable of, what are lives are all about…”
This story that shaped my sense of self, thanks in large part to the efforts of such a present, communicative mother, was a positive one. I am loved. I am special. I have important work to do in this life and I am capable of doing it. Like the theme from which a narrative develops, this set me up with a solid foundation from which I grew.
Still, there was another story churning alongside that one. Or rather the same story with a different slant. I need praise from others. I am entitled to personal attention. In order for me to feel settled and safe and purposeful in this world, I need to be told I’m special.
I should mention that it wasn’t just for birthdays that my mom would honor my siblings and me so thoroughly. There were pump-up packages on track meet days, painted banners hung from the garage at graduation, dresses designed and sewn the week before a school dance. During my first year of college, she wrote me 150 letters, one for every day of the school year. Did I even read them all? I'm not sure. Just the sight of that envelope in my otherwise cold and empty mailbox warmed me like a beam of light.
Then it was time to grow up. College ended, adulthood began, romantic partners came and went, my siblings had kids, and the attention I enjoyed shifted in natural, organic and healthy ways. I accepted this consciously. Welcomed it, even. But deep down, a loss was registered and a sad saga prattled away in my head. I need more attention. I want someone to tell me I’m okay. Why don't people see me for who I truly am? What if no one will ever truly get and appreciate me? These short stories buzzed on and on like the background whine of Charlie Brown's teacher.
“Well, of course,” my older brother Tom remarked one summer day.
Managing a rare moment of real conversation during our otherwise chaotic family reunion, we sat on the dock and watched the late afternoon skiiers glide by in a spray of shadow and light.
“No could ever replicate the kind of attention and energy Mom poured into us,” he added.
“Definitely not,” agreed his wife Kara, “Do you think I’m up at 4 AM making Tom a birthday sign and a special breakfast?”
“I can assure you,” Tom said, “she is not.”
He paused and then added, reluctantly, “Nor should she be.”
Kara laughed. “Which is not to say he has always felt that way.”
With my thirtieth birthday approaching, I told them how much I was hoping for a celebration. It was a milestone year, and I had been through a lot. I deserved it, I told them lightly.
"Hmm," Tom said. "So, are you saying you want a celebration or that you need someone to plan it for you so you're reminded that you're loved?"
Something went quiet in my heart. Like the volume of that old, boring story was turned down so I would have ears to hear this new one. He was right. I did not just want a party; I wanted the attention and care of someone planning it for me. That was the point. To be offered the thing I wanted, which would, therefore make me feel special. Not to make it happen for myself. Isn’t that how it was supposed to work? Whatever it was.
“The tales we tell ourselves are the central themes in our psyche,” Salzberg writes. “Until we begin to question our basic assumptions about ourselves, and view them as fluid, not fixed, it’s easy to repeat established patterns, and out of habit, reenact old stories that limit our ability to live and love ourselves with an open heart.”
“So what do I do?” I asked my brother, acknowledging that he was right. “How do I get past the disappointment when someone doesn’t do this stuff for me?”
“You grow up,” he smiled. “And do it for yourself.”
At that point, it was clear: I could allow the incredible gift of my mother’s attention to be twisted into a story in which I was helpless without a benevolent, all-present force showering me with attention and care… (but only when I needed it which they would somehow know without me saying it aloud!). When that inevitably did not happen, I could then live in a state of disappointment. Or I could really notice my desires, honor them as valid - and then do my best to be my own generous mother, my own beam of light, my own best friend and partner.
“As soon as we ask whether or not a story is true in the present moment, we empower ourselves to reframe it,” Salzberg writes.
The birthday bash I threw that year was so big and so joyous that eleven years later my friends still talk about it. And though the decision to do it seems trite in light of the curveball complexities life has since thrown at me, that crossroads invited me into a profoundly new way of thinking, one that nudged me to study the assumptions I made about myself and what I thought I needed from others in order to be happy and to feel loved.
This is growing up, this willingness to recognize our personal narratives, to thoughtfully revise them, and then to intentionally live into a new tale. However slowly and with painstaking effort. Again and again and again. New characters and plot twists might trick us into thinking we’ve edited our stories into final drafts, but at some point it becomes clear that the same old themes keep re-appearing. Soon, with the practices of loving awareness, we can greet these familiar moments with lightness and humor. We can even name these story-voices, honor their presence respectfully, and just as kindly, show them the door.
As we plunge into the beautiful month of July, I invite you to consider your stories and how you tell them. What are the tales that shape you, define you, expand you or limit you? Are there some that keep you stuck in old patterns, patterns you know aren’t serving you? Are there others that are waiting to be told, that speak of your courage and your kindness, of your capacity for love and goodness? What might happen if you begin to tell the stories of your life through the eyes of the purest love you can imagine, a Love whose pen never runs out of ink for all the beautiful, true things she has to say about you?
This month at Catskills Yoga House, you and your work-in-progress stories are welcome in any form, and we’ve got some great classes and events coming up that will build your awareness, your vision, your kindness, and your courage.
EVENTS & WORKSHOPS
Journey to the Heart of the Trees with Michael Brownstein
Saturday, July 8th * 5-7 * $20 pre-pay/$25 same day
If you have ever practiced at Catskills Yoga House you know that one of the studio's greatest qualities is the nature that surrounds it. Two acres of strong, green trees, a rushing creek, a blooming garden. Instead of just getting to gaze at the nature, in this practice you will be able to connect with it from within. Journey to the sound of the frame drum and connect with the spirits of the trees, the sacred realm of the goddess in all ancient cultures. Trees are great and powerful communicators when we open ourselves to their presence. Be guided by shamanic practitioner Michael Brownstein for this special afternoon of sharing space with these healing forces. Some part of this experience will be spent outdoors, working with and in nature and near the creek. No experience necessary. Please write info@catskillsyoga.com to reserve your spot.
Yoga for Injuries: How to Understand, Heal and Prevent Injuries
with Elizabeth Andes-Bell
Saturday, July 15th 3-5:30 PM
$40 pre-reg/$45 same-day
If you have a body and you use it, injury is inevitable. The problem to be fixed is not the yoga, cycling or running; in fact, activities are just the messenger for us to get our injury. This injury then offers us a chance to evolve, to learn the lesson so we can heal and move on. Designed for students of all levels as well as teachers, this workshop will leach participants how to develop an intelligent approach toprevention, rehabilitation and self-care. Through a combination of asana, group discussion, hands-on experience and much individual attention, participants will learn what their body, breath and energy are doing to create each injury and how to change these habits. In addition, students will learn the Energy Yoga ABCD Process: a simple 4 step process to align, calm and empower one's self in class and life as well as how to use props to avoid bad working habits. Finally, students will be taught The Morning Trio: three poses that can be done in 10 minutes to charge and clear the energy field and take the kinks out of the body.
To find out more about Elizabeth and her decades of practicing, teaching, studying, and writing about movement and the body, see her website. To reserve your spot for this workshop, please write info@catskillsyoga.com.
Yoga Mala: The Community We Create, We Create Together
A Fundraiser for the Phoenicia Playhouse and Celebration of our One Year Anniversary
Saturday, August 12th 1:00-5:00 $40
We're still working out all the details to this exciting day, but mark your calendars! The main event is a yoga version of a 5K race known as a Yoga Mala. A Yoga Mala is a community prayer/ceremony/fundraiser comprised of 108 Sun Salutations linked together as a moving meditation in which participants build energy together towards a shared intention. In this case, the celebration of and continued building of the creative life of our community. Various teachers will be on hand, guiding, encouraging, assisting, and practicing. All ages, levels and abilities are welcome to engage in any or all of the 108 salutations. If weather permits, we'll also hold an outdoor, family-friendly picnic with creek swimming encouraged. Reiki sessions, henna hand painting,and toddler yoga are some of the offerings that will take place throughout the day. Following the Yoga Malawill be a gong sound bath by Ricarda O'Conner in the Phoenicia Playhouse at 8 PM. More info coming, but please feel free to write with questions at info@catskillsyoga.com.
NEW CLASSES and SCHEDULE SHIFTS
TIME CHANGE for Yoga for Toddlers with Christina Byron-Steen
Thursdays, now from 10:00-11:00,
Re-starting July 13th
$10 drop-in or $35 for a 4-class series
Geared for 2-4 year olds, this class combines unique, child-friendly yoga poses with music, creative movement, props, stories, and games to create an enriching yoga experience. We aim to improve strength, flexibility, and coordination in a fun, supportive environment. Young children thrive on continuity and familiarity, which is why we are offering a 4-week, session-based option as well as a drop-in. This will give the children an opportunity to get to know the teacher and each other, and become comfortable with the flow of the class. For information, write info@catskillsyoga.com.
Meditation Guided by Reiki with Thiago de Melo
Tuesdays, 6-7 PM starting July 11th
$15 drop-in or class card
Receive the powerful, healing benefits of meditation coupled with hands-on Reiki in this unique weekly experience led by certified Reiki Master and teacher Thiago de Melo. The experience will begin with a brief discussion and some instruction about meditation as well as chanting and an opportunity to warm up the body to prepare for sitting. The meditation will last about thirty minutes, during which time students will receive a hands-on Reiki transmission. Together with the Reiki, this meditation practice has the opportunity to open doors to deep inner stillness and healing and enhance one's sense of feeling integrated and connected to others in a sacred and loving space. For more about Thiago, please visit his website.
Summer Mondays with Aaron Dias
Open Vinyasa
Mondays, 10-11:30 AM, Starting July 31st
(This is in addition to her basic vinyasa class on Friday mornings from 9:30-10:30)
JULY DEALS
Class cards make great gifts.
$80 for 5 classes, $140 for 10 classes, and $260 for 20 classes. Or buy an unlimited 6 month membership for $650.
Private or semi-private classes
Deepen and customize your own practice, work through a specific injury, create a home-practice, celebrate a birthday or anniversary or have a beautiful, personal experience with a friend or partner. Please email info@catskillsyoga.com for more information. Classes in the studio or on site in your home.
In celebration of stories, old and new, I am yours in movement,
Sara